Spit up, diapers, crying, and my life currently~

Well, I finally posted Ryker's birth story on my blog, you know, two weeks after the fact! I feel like I am in a whirlwind, tunnel type thing right now. I am sure all new mother's know what I mean and how I feel right now.
Ryker is growing, I don't know exactly what he weighs, but you can just tell. I might take him in next week for a weight check, just to ease my thoughts. He eats well, but keeping it down is another issue in itself. Yesterday, was a long day. All morning, he spit up most of what he ate. I felt terrible, I felt like a failure, and I felt so bad for him. I am not sure if the roast dinner from the previous night, wasn't agreeing with him, or what. But, after discussing it with a great gal, she calmed my nerves and suggested the BRAT diet. Bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. So, I had rice for lunch and toast with a side of applesauce for dinner yesterday. I did however, have my coffee this morning. If his tummy is upset, I will take coffee out of my diet as well.
I really want to succeed at breastfeeding. But, at times I question how this is possible. My nipples still hurt quite bad and I am not sure if it is his latch or not. I could easily call Le Leche League, but part of me doesn't know what to say when I call. I know, it sounds completely stupid, but it is what it is. He eats anywhere from every hour, to every 2-3 hours. If he could only try the 2-3 hours at night, that would be a blessing.
He sleeps a good portion of the day, as all newborns do. Night's are all different, never the same. Last night, sucked. He cried a lot and I felt as if I couldn't comfort him. But, we got through and here we are. He doesn't like to be swaddled correctly. If I do swaddle him, he has to have his arms out, or he gets pissed.
This post is all over the place, I apologize for that, but now you see inside my head, and how scattered that is.
Anyway. My mood is off, I know it is. I am not sure if it is PPD rearing it's ugly head, or if it is all in my head. I do alright during the day, with few bouts of wanting to cry my head off. But, once everyone is home for the day, I have issues. I get easily frustrated with Matt. I know he is trying to help, but sometimes, I feel it easier to just do it myself. I am trying to give him more credit, as this is his first time, and he is really trying. I snap at the kids easier. I suppose this is what bothers me most. It is not their problem that I just had a baby. It is not fair to them that my patience wears thing. I feel terrible about this. I wish I could give them the time, affection, and what not that they had before, but I simply can't. I hope we all get into a groove and this eases up a bit. They are great kids and I don't want them to forget that, nor do I want to forget that.

I am trying to find a new job, so this too is an added stress. You see, I wasn't at my job a full year before Ryker was born, so I didn't qualify for FMLA. I only qualified for disability, which is a huge help. Nonetheless, my boss informed me last week that they weren't sure that my position was still available for me. She said that I should have known this going on bed rest. I have been gone for almost two months, so I understand this. But, it is hard. I worked on my resume yesterday, had a friend vamp it up a bit and I sent it out to 8 different employers. So wish me luck, as this is another new adventure and hopefully this goes smooth.

My parent's are coming out to visit from October 5-12th. This is good, or at least I keep telling myself this. So kill me now if my mother ever finds this blog. Anyway, I tell people that they are coming out to visit and people say, "Oh, that will be sooo great to have help and have someone take the kid's off your hands!" Ummm, nope, it won't. You see, my parents aren't like that. They are older, this is my only excuse as to why they aren't your typical grandparent's. Their idea of visiting is this- come to my house in the morning, sit on my couch and read their books, go book shopping, watch me take care of the three kids, and go out to dinner nightly. This is a vacation to them, not a "let's be grandparent's and help out" type thing. My mother has a disability where she could not carry one of my children, even if she wanted to. Also, her back is really bad, so she can't stand for long periods or go walking much. My father is just an old fuddy duddy and keeps to himself. The saddest part is if you were to ask my children what their best memory of my parents are, they would say "They give us a lot of money and save a lot of money for us." Not "Oh they took us to the park or the zoo or we went outside and played." So this visit will be interesting. Although I love them dearly, two days is more than enough, 7 might kill me. If I don't return around those dates, you know why.

(I really didn't mean for this post to be so mad, sad, etc. I am just writing how I feel and am not always good with words, so it may sound pissier then I had planned.)

The Birth Story~

On August 22nd, I had a Dr. appt. at 12:15. At that point I was up to 3 centimeters dilated, and as he put it, ripe and ready to go anytime. He told me that he would definitely not see me in a week and wouldn't be surprised if I went into labor that night.I started having 3 minute contractions at about 6:30ish. They weren't too bad, but there. Finally around 9pm, I decided to call my doctor. On the phone he asked if they felt different from the Friday before and I said yes, they are going to my back each time and are a little more intense. He then asked if I thought this was the real deal, I said I sure hope so, but yes. He gave me the go ahead to go up to the hospital. We got to the hospital around 10pm. They put me in a small room because they thought it was surely false labor. The nurse put me on the monitors and got my info put in the computer. She then checked me and I was at 5 centimeters. So I asked if this was it, she said, "You betcha, you are NOT going home tonight, you are having your baby." They kind of hurried after that. Started to get a real delivery room set up for me, etc. She then needed to start my IV. Stupid bitch hurt the hell out of me and blew two veins in the process of trying to get my IV started. After 5 attempts, yes I said 5, she got a shitty IV put in that hurt like hell. Then they had me walk to my delivery room, this was around 11pm, maybe 11:30. Got me set up in that room and all the sudden my IV started leaking into my arm. Not sure of the actual medical term, but it ballooned and hurt really bad, so Matt blocked the fluid on the tube. The nurse came in and I told her this one is shot too and wanted someone ELSE to do my next one. So she got the house supervisor to do it. One try and a great IV was finally in.Oh and around the same time they gave me Staydol (sp) to help with the pain while we waited for my epidural. That was the best drug ever! I was more relaxed and able to really get through those contractions. It lasted about 45 minutes at which point, the anesthesiologist came in at midnight. The epidural was put in with no problem and no pain whatsoever. It started working by 12:30. I text Tiff to update her as much as I could. The nurse told me I might deliver by 2:30.However, I was stuck at 6 centimeters for a while and apparently that was not fast enough for the nurses and such. So they called my Dr. and he suggested to put me on Pitocin to help progress me to 10. They put me on the pitocin at 2:35. Right away Ryker's heartbeat was dropping from the Pit. So they had me lay on my left side to help him and put me on oxygen. They kept worrying about his heartbeat and told the doc to hurry, this baby was coming soon. By 2:45 I was fully dilated and could feel Ryker very low. They told the doc to get there NOW, I was about to deliver. They had my roll back onto my back to get ready and put my feet up. When I rolled to my back, he started crowning. I shit you not, this was the worst part of the labor.It was 2:55 at this point and I wanted and needed to push, but no doc yet. The nurses were all ready at the end of the bed, but kept telling me to breath through the contractions and NOT to push. This was the hardest thing, not to push out a baby that is crowning. Finally the doc walks in at about 3:02 and scrubbed up and got to the end of the bed just in time. As soon as I saw him at the end of my bed, they didn't have to tell me, I just pushed. My first push was half assed to be quite honest. I don't know if it was fear of the pain or what. My 2nd push was a really good push and his head came out with that one. Then one more little push and his body was out and he was born at 3:06 am. I could see him and the doc suctioning. He was crying a little bit, but I remember thinking and saying, "He is too small, he is small, oh my gosh, is he going to be OK?" The whole team kept reassuring me that he would be fine and that he wasn't "too small." They took him over to the warmer to clean him up and do all the stuff they do. The doc delivered my placenta and I asked if I tore and how bad was it down there, because it didn't really hurt when he was coming out. He said, "There is no tear, nothing. It looks just fine, you did great!"I was very relieved about this part!Ryker was weighed in at 5 lbs. 3 oz. My smallest baby thus far and 19 inches long. He just seemed so long and skinny.This labor seemed to fly by, even tho, it too was my longest labor.

Mr. Ryker

Ryker Matthew was born on August 23rd at 3:06 am. He was 5 lbs. 3 oz. and 19 inches long. I haven't had time to blog, write the birth story, much less get a shower in when I would like to. He is doing well as am I :)

I will write out more about this new blessing when I have the chance!

In the meantime, a few pics to keep you happy!

Proud big sister Hannah~

Proud Big Brother Jacob~

Comfy in the Papasan Chair~

Wide eyed and tongue out~

First day- monitored heavily for a while

Jacob's first day of 2nd grade~

So Jacob set his new alarm clock for 8 this morning and was up and raring to go when that LOUD thing went off. He got dressed, had me comb his hair, ate breakfast, brushed his teeth and we were on our way.

Everything went smooth. I took a few pictures and took him to his class. Most of the supplies they listed us to get, were already on his desk. I don't understand, but whatever, he has plenty now. His teacher was great and Jacob was set to go. I said my goodbye's, gave him a mommy kiss and was on my way.

I hope his day is fabulous and I can't wait to see him again. I am not sure what to do all day now. As my house is clean, laundry is done, and all that good stuff. I will figure it out. I might just lounge on the couch and read a good book and eat a whole bag of something great.

Here are a couple pics of my handsome little man. Oh how I heart him.

Past~Present~Future

Since I have been SOOOO bad about keeping this updated, I will try and fill it in :)

I was in the hospital last Friday night. Three minutes. That is how far apart my contractions were. Sometimes one minute. They hurt, I had to breath through many of them. To make a long night story short, they tried to give me a Terb shot, in which I refused. Why you ask? Have you ever had one? They suck. Your heart beats out of your chest, you shake, and you sweat...oh and you can't sleep on it. That is my own opinion, not medically said. Anyway, both my specialist and doctor also told me at 34 weeks, they would NOT stop my labor if I were to go. Ryker not only weighs enough, I have had steroid shots and we would be fine. So I chose not to have the shot. So instead, they put me on an IV and drained the first bag in literally 5 minutes. Then a second bag, and no more contractions. Apparently I was dehydrated. Either way, we were released on home at 5:30 a.m.
I see my doctor for my 36.3 week checkup and I am sure he will be really happy that I turned down his offer of the Terb Shot at the hospital Friday, oh well.
Oh and I had the shits all day today, like my ass was hurting so bad from shitting my brains out, I was tired of it. I thought maybe that was a hint for tonight being d-day. No such luck, it is now 11:12 and nada. That is fine. He will be here till he is 20 and we can go to college together :) Kidding, sorry I sound so bitter, I am just a bit uncomfy lately.

Better writings~
Jacob starts 2nd grade tomorrow. I really can't fathom this, but it will happen with or without my approval of him growing up. We went to the Open House on Monday night, which was said to be from 6-7 p.m. I really thought we would be there for an hour and was amazed when we were there for 15 minutes. We went in, met his (super duper, by word-of-mouth) teacher, got Jacob an ice cream and we were off.
I have to admit, I was somewhat in a hurry. I am not taking my kids back to their old daycare, because I decided I am done dealing with her and yeah, I haven't had the balls to tell her. She called a couple weeks ago and I have not returned the message. There are many things I would like to tell her, but I won't, because I don't like confrontation and it would cause that. Anyway, back to me being in a hurry to exit the building.
Walking through his classroom, I was looking at names on the desks to see which kid's were in there. And, gasp, old daycare ladies son (who is not my favorite child) is in Jacob's class! Can you believe it? I can't, I don't like it. So I wanted to jet as to avoid seeing former daycare lady. Apparently, she showed up 10 minutes after we left.
So anyway, Jacob got all showered up and in bed by 8:30. His clothes are laid out and backpack filled. We will be raring to go in the morning.

Hannah had/has another ear infection. By this point it is much better. I took her to urgent care on Sunday because of the sudden ear pain she was speaking of. So bad, she couldn't sleep for her nap. The doc said this one was pretty bad, might pop and leak puss, and to watch for that. It hasn't that I know of, but nonetheless, she is doing much better! I think we need to revisit the ear tubes thought. Now that her asthma is mostly under control, they won't be as worried to put her under for the surgery. So yeah, I will be getting her in again for that procedure to be set up.

Matt has been working an hour away all week and some of last. He hates it, but it is hours for him. I keep worrying I will go into labor and he will be in a mad rush, but heck, what am I thinking? Remember, Ryker is in it for the long haul :) No worries now. Shit, go work in Kansas, he ain't comin'. Not really, I would REALLY miss him and can't handle that right now.

That is all I have, my brain is fried, I need to go to bed and get ready for tomorrow's events.

Life and such~

My doctor assures me I will be pregnant forever. Ok, maybe not really forever, but he laughs and tells me I will go to 39 weeks now, not 37 as it was last time, but 39. This is fine, whatever is better for Ryker and his health. But, as stupid as this sounds, I don't know how to be pregnant after 36 weeks. I know it is just another day, one day at a time. But, it is just going to be weird if that happens.
Ryker now head butts my cervix, pushes on my hip bones and lunges off my rib cage. Can't wait to see how he is when he is on the outside! I can tell he is getting bigger and I can normally feel where his butt, arms and legs are as well. He has been head down, nice and deep, for a while. He switches his position side to side all the time. I think he is face down, but of course I don't know for sure, I can't see inside.
The doc checked me again yesterday and I am still sitting at 2 centimeters. He did the lovely butt swab, aka Strep Test. So I go back next week and the next week and the rest of my life :)

Hannah~
She is driving me nuts with her Drama Queen status. I am sure Jacob is tired of it as well, since he gets the brunt of it. The yelling, hitting, stealing, etc. She can't even be nice to him for five minutes. Yet, she wants him to sleep with her so that she doesn't have to by herself. He is so giving that he puts up with all the meanness throughout the day and crawls into bed with her at night. But, he is a Prince, really he is.

Jacob~
School starts in less then a week now and he is stoked. We have changed his bedtime back to 8:30 and that is at his suggestion :) We were going to take it back to nine and then to 8:30 by the time school starts, but he suggested to just go to 8:30 now, so he can rest more. He has his backpack all packed and ready to go. He knows what he will wear the first day. And he really hopes that I can take him to and from, on the first day. Which I hope so too, he is my baby, and I want to be there every step of the way. So hopefully I am not in the hospital on that first day.

Matt~
He is the light of my life. After my break down the other night and me asking for a little help with the kiddos, he has been a life saver! I know he is tired when he gets home from work, but I have had the kids all day with no let down and I just need a little me break when he arrives home. But, all is well again on this front and I am feeling mighty relieved.

Not much else going on, so I will leave it at that. Once again thinking I had nothing to write about :)

Hmmm~

I really don't know what to write about today. I am at a loss. But, I haven't posted in over a week, so I thought it was worth a try.
I am now 34 weeks, and Ryker is weighing in by ultrasound at 5 lbs. 1 oz. I am so happy to be over the five pound mark, for his sake, for his health. The more fat he adds on, the better. The specialist told me that they wouldn't stop my labor if I went in now. That is funny, they stopped it then with Hannah, but hey, that was a different realm of people and doctors. So we are stepping a little closer to the edge, the edge of labor and delivery, the edge I want to fall off of, because I want to meet my Ryker boy. But, at the same time, I want him to be safe in my womb. In the warmth and cushioned bliss. He will come when he is ready, whether mama is or not. The bags are packed, his belongings are washed, the camera is charged. We are good to go.
Jacob gets back from his summer visit with his father tomorrow. I miss him so. Two weeks is really too long to go without a hug, kiss, conversation, his laughter, his presence. But, I have to. I don't have a choice and I suppose a fraction of time with his dad, might be good for him. He is excited for school to start and to go shopping with me for all of his needed supplies. I can't believe how fast the summer has gone. Jacob is starting 2nd grade, but wasn't it just yesterday that I was taking him to Kindergarten? I thought so. He was assigned the teacher he really wanted, so I am happy for him. I just hope some of the brat kids of his grade, aren't in that class. But, we can't choose that can we?
Hannah is sassy as ever. Asking daily if Ryker is big enough to come out yet and singing him silly songs, or Happy Birthday. She misses Jacob too, that is her brother, her buddy. I think she feels at somewhat of a loss when he is gone. Perhaps she gets bored spending every day, all day, with her mama, but I try to make it fun and worthwhile for her. She really is my sweet girl, I can't believe she is three. Perhaps the upcoming delivery of Ryker, is making me think of my other two. Growing so fast, knowing this too, will happen with Ryker. I will just savor each moment of my children, as they grow and my love grows deeper.
Matt is so ready for Ryker to come. He is so cute with his anticipation. His arms ache to hold him, his lips to kiss him, and his heart will swell more then he knows is possible. I can't wait to see him look into his son's eyes and fall in love. Soon enough my dear, soon enough.

Well, so much for not having anything to talk about eh?