Spit up, diapers, crying, and my life currently~

Well, I finally posted Ryker's birth story on my blog, you know, two weeks after the fact! I feel like I am in a whirlwind, tunnel type thing right now. I am sure all new mother's know what I mean and how I feel right now.
Ryker is growing, I don't know exactly what he weighs, but you can just tell. I might take him in next week for a weight check, just to ease my thoughts. He eats well, but keeping it down is another issue in itself. Yesterday, was a long day. All morning, he spit up most of what he ate. I felt terrible, I felt like a failure, and I felt so bad for him. I am not sure if the roast dinner from the previous night, wasn't agreeing with him, or what. But, after discussing it with a great gal, she calmed my nerves and suggested the BRAT diet. Bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. So, I had rice for lunch and toast with a side of applesauce for dinner yesterday. I did however, have my coffee this morning. If his tummy is upset, I will take coffee out of my diet as well.
I really want to succeed at breastfeeding. But, at times I question how this is possible. My nipples still hurt quite bad and I am not sure if it is his latch or not. I could easily call Le Leche League, but part of me doesn't know what to say when I call. I know, it sounds completely stupid, but it is what it is. He eats anywhere from every hour, to every 2-3 hours. If he could only try the 2-3 hours at night, that would be a blessing.
He sleeps a good portion of the day, as all newborns do. Night's are all different, never the same. Last night, sucked. He cried a lot and I felt as if I couldn't comfort him. But, we got through and here we are. He doesn't like to be swaddled correctly. If I do swaddle him, he has to have his arms out, or he gets pissed.
This post is all over the place, I apologize for that, but now you see inside my head, and how scattered that is.
Anyway. My mood is off, I know it is. I am not sure if it is PPD rearing it's ugly head, or if it is all in my head. I do alright during the day, with few bouts of wanting to cry my head off. But, once everyone is home for the day, I have issues. I get easily frustrated with Matt. I know he is trying to help, but sometimes, I feel it easier to just do it myself. I am trying to give him more credit, as this is his first time, and he is really trying. I snap at the kids easier. I suppose this is what bothers me most. It is not their problem that I just had a baby. It is not fair to them that my patience wears thing. I feel terrible about this. I wish I could give them the time, affection, and what not that they had before, but I simply can't. I hope we all get into a groove and this eases up a bit. They are great kids and I don't want them to forget that, nor do I want to forget that.

I am trying to find a new job, so this too is an added stress. You see, I wasn't at my job a full year before Ryker was born, so I didn't qualify for FMLA. I only qualified for disability, which is a huge help. Nonetheless, my boss informed me last week that they weren't sure that my position was still available for me. She said that I should have known this going on bed rest. I have been gone for almost two months, so I understand this. But, it is hard. I worked on my resume yesterday, had a friend vamp it up a bit and I sent it out to 8 different employers. So wish me luck, as this is another new adventure and hopefully this goes smooth.

My parent's are coming out to visit from October 5-12th. This is good, or at least I keep telling myself this. So kill me now if my mother ever finds this blog. Anyway, I tell people that they are coming out to visit and people say, "Oh, that will be sooo great to have help and have someone take the kid's off your hands!" Ummm, nope, it won't. You see, my parents aren't like that. They are older, this is my only excuse as to why they aren't your typical grandparent's. Their idea of visiting is this- come to my house in the morning, sit on my couch and read their books, go book shopping, watch me take care of the three kids, and go out to dinner nightly. This is a vacation to them, not a "let's be grandparent's and help out" type thing. My mother has a disability where she could not carry one of my children, even if she wanted to. Also, her back is really bad, so she can't stand for long periods or go walking much. My father is just an old fuddy duddy and keeps to himself. The saddest part is if you were to ask my children what their best memory of my parents are, they would say "They give us a lot of money and save a lot of money for us." Not "Oh they took us to the park or the zoo or we went outside and played." So this visit will be interesting. Although I love them dearly, two days is more than enough, 7 might kill me. If I don't return around those dates, you know why.

(I really didn't mean for this post to be so mad, sad, etc. I am just writing how I feel and am not always good with words, so it may sound pissier then I had planned.)